Why is Love so Complicated?

Writers have tried to capture love's meaning in songs, movies, plays and books since Eve first tempted Adam with an apple in the Garden of Eden. Philosophers have explained its many virtues throughout time, while religions have incorporated the word to express emotions regarding a higher power. Webster's defines love as a deep and tender feeling of affection for or attachment or devotion to a person.

For therapist Maud Purcell, executive director at the Life Solution Center of Darien, it's a chemical reaction. For New Canaan psychologist and author Linda Olson, Ph.D., it's a warm and trusting feeling of attachment to a person with whom you want to spend time. For Fairfield philosophy professor Sarah Brill, Ph.D., it's a divine force that permeates the cosmos.

But on two things each of them agrees: Lasting love can be complicated, never easy, and definitely means having to say you're sorry. "That line from Love Story did so much damage," Olson says. "The opposite is true. You have to own what you do. Only then can you fully be a loving partner."

Purcell explains that love is basically an over-production of dopamine, the brain chemical that makes us feel better. "When we fall in love, our brain is flooded with dopamine." The part of our brain that recognizes love is the hypothalamus, the center of all emotions and the most primitive part of our brain. In addition, our stress hormones -- cortisol and adrenaline -- are in over-production, often causing a loss of appetite, an inability to sleep, and/or a feeling of hyper-alertness.

But let's not confuse these emotions with lust, when the sex hormones -- estrogen, progesterone, testosterone -- take over. "These hormones can be part of love," Purcell says, "but true love is not only about the sex hormones."

She says that this is the reason why people who have never been in love before, or those who have only been in lust, have a hard time recognizing what's happening when love comes calling the first time. "It can be very confusing," she adds.

"New love is that infatuation stage, when you meet someone that comes really close to the ideal partner you always imagined," Olson says. She talks about this stage in her book, The Three Cs of Love: Finding Love That Will Last, as well as in her just-published book, 365 Daily Affirmations for Relationships, which she co-authored with Dr. Jan Yager of Stamford. "That person feels familiar, and you are happy, joyful, euphoric. You can't get this person out of your head. Often, your friends are wondering what you see in this person, but right now, for you, he or she is perfect. This stage can last from anywhere from a few months to 18 months."

Next comes stage two: relationship power struggles. "Now, people are trying to get their needs met, the needs that were not met in childhood and the needs they are trying to have met as adults," Olson says. She adds that this is why many relationships end. As people's needs go unmet, they begin to give up on the relationship, and soon abandon it altogether.

"To sustain any relationship takes hard work, and as the dopamine rush begins to subside, this is when people have to start that hard work," Purcell says. "And honestly, it would be exhausting to maintain a dopamine rush with one person for any extensive period of time."

According to Purcell, it's the lack of dopamine that is the reason many relationships die. "So many are addicted to that initial reaction," she says. She calls them "serial relationship starters," and says we all know people like this and have seen these behaviors portrayed in movies. "This is not lasting love."

Olson says that being in love is universal to humanity, something Brill backs up. Brill teaches ancient Greek philosophy, and turns to two of the best. Plato viewed erotic love as inspiring what is best about us -- our ability to create and produce -- and what is worst -- our greedy desire to possess. For Aristotle, love was a connection between all living beings, not just a connection between lovers.

Brill says she is struck by the powerful sense of connection love brings. "Humans have the capacity to deeply understand and care for one another," she says. "Some of those feelings are very wonderful, some very destructive. What we all must understand is that love is very powerful."

All three say love is worth the work, but stress there are some basic ingredients that make for lasting love:

* A shared vision for the future

* Respect for each other

* Friendship

* Shared interests, although these can be developed over the years

"What most people don't get is that love between adults is conditional," Purcell says. "They think that whatever the hell they want to do is OK, and that the person is still supposed to love them. It just doesn't work that way. You actually have to think before you speak. Just because you live with someone does not mean that you can say anything you want to them. Some words can't be taken back. Ever."

Always pragmatic, Purcell says there are some days when you get up in the morning and don't like your partner. "That's when you make the decision to love this person and figure out what you can do today to make his or her day better. It's about treating your partner with respect, and most people don't treat each other with respect."

Olson says it's unfortunate, but so many people don't feel they deserve to be loved. "In my practice, I ask them to take a pledge for happiness. You have to believe you deserve to be happy and to be loved. Positive statements reinforce relationship skills and empower people to make good choices. Read it. Say it out loud. Experience it. It's all about building a brain connection, replacing negative thoughts with positive healthy thoughts."

Olson says love is two hearts sharing love and becoming one. "The operative word is sharing," she adds.