The Honeymoon's Over: Fixing a Dull Marriage

Next time you go to a restaurant, take a look around and see if you can spot the couples that are courting and the couples that have been married a while.

If they're laughing and leaning in to talk to each other, making eye contact and feeding each other dessert, it's a good bet they're still in the honeymoon phase. If, on the other hand, they're focused on the food and saying little to each other besides, "Pass the salt," chances are they've been together for years.

While there's something to be said for that comfortable silence, many couples wonder how they went from sharing intimacies to sharing little more than space around a table. Even worse is the moment when you look across the table and wonder why you got married in the first place. It's not that the marriage is bad. It's just boring.

THE "D" WORD

Many people use the word "dull" to describe their marriages. In a study published earlier this year by the University of Winnipeg, 88 couples -- including one that had been together for 36 years -- came up with about 70 different reasons why their relationships were boring.

Most complained that their marriages lacked fun, conversation and romance. Women, by the way, were more likely to say their marriages were boring than men.

Bryon Remo, family and couples therapist with clients in Fairfield County, says he's often surprised at how many people seem willing to settle for what he describes as a "C-" marriage. "It's not good enough to be happy and not bad enough to make a change," he says. "It's almost better if you're getting an F."

People who feel their marriages are outright failing can usually point to specific problems: infidelity, for instance, or emotional or physical abuse. Under such circumstances most would feel justified if they decided to end the marriage. Making the decision to walk away from a lackluster marriage isn't quite so cut and dried, although boredom is certainly a contributing factor in divorce.

A study involving 123 newlyweds conducted by researchers at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, found that people who reported feeling their marriage was "in a rut" after seven years of marriage were more unhappy and even less intimate nine years later. The study, which was published in 2009, found they were also more likely to get divorced.

THE BLAME GAME

"Couples do come in generally feeling discontent and boredom," says Stamford couples therapist Linda Ann Olson. "Oftentimes there's a low level of depression or they're generally unhappy and they have a false expectation that their partner is supposed to make them happy."

Many people have unrealistically high expectations that their partner should be able to fulfill their every need. When that doesn't happen, the tendency is to blame the other person for falling short.

"It's a heck of a lot harder to look at oneself than at one's partner," says Remo. "You often hear couples come into therapy saying `this is what I need.' They're not saying, `this is what I'm willing to offer.' I think healthy couples are constantly assessing themselves rather than their partners. They ask themselves, `What am I doing to try to make improvements?'"

Good relationships don't happen by accident. It takes effort and both people have to be willing to try to make it work. Many marriage therapists, however, make a point to meet with each partner individually before they work with the couple to get a handle on each person's issues, needs and desires.

That's because problems tend to break down into three categories: mine, yours and ours. People need to take ownership of their own issues first; then they can work together to create a relationship that works for both of them. "Nobody can make you happy. You have to make yourself happy," Olson says. Swapping one partner for another isn't going to solve the problem, she notes, because "you can't be happy with someone else until you're happy with yourself."

TO KNOW ME IS TO LOVE ME

Resuscitating a lackluster relationship isn't a quick fix, because the relationship didn't change overnight. In fact, it probably happened so gradually that neither partner noticed exactly when the relationship stalled.

"Couples get busy making a life together," says Westport couples therapist Lyn Sommer. "They're task-oriented, building a life and raising children and making a living and dealing with family things."

The stagnation sets in when couples stop communicating. It's not that you're not talking to each other, but those conversations that used to keep you on the phone for hours when you were first getting to know each other have been reduced to text messages about when to pick up the kids.

Though the kids and the house may keep you together, it's important to remember that wasn't what brought you together in the first place. "Ultimately in therapy you want to revive that -- the hanging out and talking, just being together and really sharing who you are and being heard and being appreciated for who you are," Sommer says.

At a certain point, Remo says, "We assume when we have enough conversations with our partner we've got them down." But as humdrum as life seems sometimes, it's rarely static and people continue to learn, change and grow. If you want to keep your relationship fresh, Remo says, the key is to stay curious about each other.

"Marriages are not meant to just survive," Remo says. "They're meant to thrive." HL

Should You Stay or Should You Go?

Are you trying to decide whether your relationship is worth saving or whether it's past the point of no return? Relationship therapist Bryon Remo offers a number of red flags that signal you're probably going to need professional help to sort through the issues.

[1] "When you start to notice there's a level of anger that wasn't previously in the marriage," he says. "I've seen couples get enraged about things that they really oughtn't to be. Couples tend to exaggerate their partner's imperfections or things expected from their partner.

[2] "Whatever the norm was, when their norm seems to be shifting to isolation, that's always a big red flag," Remo says. "When couples stop turning to each other and start looking for emotional support outside the marriage, they're looking to fulfill a need that's not being met in their marriage."

[3] "When couples are afraid to engage in a healthy argument, that's a red flag," Remo says. Conflict enables couples to see where the issues lie and forces them to confront and resolve the problem. "When people don't view it that way, they stop," Remo says, often because they fear it will end in an irrevocable break.

How to Get Out of That Rut

Go out for dates that get you out of your routine. Do something together that you've never done before -- kayaking, horseback riding, ballroom dancing -- or find a hobby that you both enjoy.

Find common ground and explore each other's passions. If you've always been a golf widow, take a few lessons and see if you can't find a new way to link up.

Spend time together when you can really focus on each other. "A lot of couples who have kids leave their partners the scraps," Remo says. "Make sure you reserve some of your best energy for your partner."

Make yourself happy. Reclaim some aspect of yourself or your life that you may have put into storage after you got married. Pursue your own passions and do things that enable you to grow and learn as an individual. The less bored you are, the more interesting you'll be to your partner.

¨