Power of No

Writer Dorothy Parker, known for her acerbic wit, allegedly said this about a certain collegiate foreign-language major: "That woman speaks 18 languages, and can't say no in any of them."

Naughty, naughty! But take out the risqué overtones (and 17 of the languages) and Parker's observation applies to many today: Sometimes people -- especially women, and even more-so, mothers -- find it hard to say "no" when demands are made on their time.

How often have you made this complaint: I'm so busy already, and now I have to (pick one): chaperone a field trip, carpool the soccer team, babysit the neighbor's kids ¦ Why? Somebody asked me, and I couldn't say no!

Darien psychologist Dr. Lisa Supino has heard such complaints before and not just from her clients. "I've dealt with this with my own self, with my friends ¦ it's pretty common," she says.

Nancy Bottger, a licensed clinical social worker based in Redding, agrees. In an e-mail interview she wrote, "It is very common to work with people who have a hard time saying no to friends, colleagues, and family, and it causes real stress in their life. It is hard to generalize, since every person is unique and has their own set of circumstances which leads them to feel unable to erect proper personal boundaries, but in many instances these people are `people pleasers,' and have a hard time with conflict and assertion."

"My sense is, the difficulty saying no starts early on," Supino says. "Especially when we're little; our survival depends on (others') approval. We need that thumbs-up."

But we also need to ensure this desire for approval doesn't go too far. "A key concept is `boundaries,' and many people possess personal boundaries that are either too rigid and inflexible or else too permeable and permissive," Bottger warns. "The ones who cannot say no ¦ many times these people are taken advantage of by others."

Yet those who say no too often "close themselves off from new experiences, tend to isolate themselves and operate out of fear of the unknown, and do not possess the flexibility necessary to be open to meeting new people, making new friends, trying new things, etc.," Bottger says.

So where do you find middle ground? Supino says both extremes "are based in fear -- fear of saying no too much, fear of not saying it enough. You should pause long enough to (ask yourself), `What am I afraid of happening?'"

That question often has real answers: if someone requests a favor and you say no, you fear that person will be angry, hurt, disappointed.

"That could be true," Supino admits. "Or it could be not true at all, or somewhere in between. But imagine yourself saying `no.' Imagine all the terrible things that could happen. Now imagine it's an hour later. Now a week later. Now a year later. Don't you feel better?"

A year from now it probably won't make much difference that you said no when asked to chaperone your nth field trip, or produce cookies for the nth-squared fundraiser. But it could make a huge difference to you, personally, if you've learned to say no to obligations you don't choose, so you have more time to focus on those you do.

Finding that middle ground can be even harder when it's your children you're refusing. "There has to be a healthy balance between providing proper boundaries and structure for children and allowing them to have fun, take risks, be creative, and experience new things," Bottger says. "Parents have to know how and feel confident to say no to kids when they make demands that are unreasonable. Too many parents say yes out of a misguided desire to want to be liked by their child, or to keep up with the Joneses. A child whose parents say yes too often will end up feeling too powerful in a way that reverses roles and is not healthy¦. The flip side is that parents also need to know when to say yes to their children."

Whether dealing with children or other adults, Supino advises focusing not on "no" but its opposite. "To get more comfortable with saying no, ask yourself, `What do I want to say yes to? How did I feel when I said yes?'" Unless the answer is "great," or at least "pretty good," maybe you should take Nancy Reagan's advice and Just Say No. HL

5 Tips for Saying No

Next time you feel obligated to say "yes" to that request to serve on the PTA committee or to make cupcakes for the church bake sale, count to five and follow the advice of HealthyLife's experts.

[1] Ask yourself why. Are you saying "yes" because you really want to, or simply because you're afraid of saying "no"?

[2] Fear not. Lisa Supino, a Darien psychologist, says constant naysayers and those who can't say no are motivated by fear of what might happen. Address those fears, and they'll lose their hold on you.

[3] Balance and boundaries. Don't swing too far in either direction: never saying "no" is a bad way to live, but so is never saying "yes." Set reasonable boundaries, making room for your own needs in addition to others'.

[4] Stress: more or less? Remember Nancy Bottger's observation about people's inability to say no: "It causes real stress in their life," the Redding social worker says. Saying "no" might stress you out now but will generate less stress in the long run.

[5] Accentuate the positive. Say "yes" only when it brings about a positive outcome -- doing something you want to do; rather than a negative one -- avoiding a reaction you don't want to face.

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