How to Talk to Your Teen

Not long ago I overheard a woman talking to her son or daughter on her cell phone outside a local tavern. She spent several minutes asking questions about what her child was doing and then answering questions asked of her. But the conversation ended with mom saying "I'm hanging up on you now!" -- presumably after one too many questions.

Granted, I heard only one side of the conversation. But the reciprocal communication and attempts to keep the mother on the phone led me to believe the child was a tween. So I couldn't help but wonder if this woman will hear her words -- "I'm hanging up on you now!" -- replayed in her head when her child is older. How will she feel when her teenager tells her she's "nowhere," with "no one," doing "nothing," is "fine," but then hangs up on her because she's asking too many questions?

No doubt her mother will worry. But will she wonder why her daughter tells her nothing? Might her teen withhold information because she's afraid of being judged or because she doesn't want anyone to worry? Or maybe she'll keep quiet because she feels the need to establish her own identity, separate and apart from her family?

According to Dr. Barbara Greenberg, a Weston-based psychologist and coauthor of "Teenage as a Second Language: A Parent's Guide to Becoming Bilingual," teens often clam up for exactly those reasons. "When they enter the teenage years, they're really trying to become independent and one of the ways they try to assert their independence is by keeping things to themselves, sharing things with friends rather than parents," Greenberg says. "They withhold things from their parents because they don't want to be judged."

Despite all appearances to the contrary, however, teens really do want to talk to you. "There are three misconceptions that parents have about teens," Greenberg says. "The first one is that teenagers don't want to talk. Despite their behavior they really do, but they want to do it in a specific way. The second myth is that they don't care what you think about them. The fact is they care very deeply about disappointing you. The third myth is they don't want you around. The fact is they do want you to be around, not in a hovering kind of way, but they want you to be available and fully present when they want to talk."

INCOMMUNICADO

Teenagers are not known for their communication skills. Sure, they spend hours on Facebook and text friends constantly, but face-to-face with family members their answers to basic questions such as "How was your day?" are frequently monosyllabic. Ask "How was school?" and you've got the great conversation stopper.

Teens may say everything is "fine," but when they close the door to their room and don't come out again, parents are often left wondering what's going on in that head of theirs. Naturally, this is worrying. Are they not telling you what they're up to because they're doing something bad? From failing grades and Facebook bullying to teenage pregnancy and drug abuse, the possibilities are endless, although you don't have to assume the worst.

"Parents' intuition is often accurate," says Bryon Remo, an adolescent and family therapist in Southbury. "What's not accurate is the intensity of what they think is going on. They often view the behavior of their kids as being more extreme than it actually is. I think parents figure if they assume the worst, then if it's not that bad they can feel relieved." In actuality, he says, their teens are "doing a lot better than you might think."

Your greatest concern may be how your child is faring

academically, but grades probably aren't uppermost in your teen's mind. Therapists who work with teens frequently hear them complain that their parents are "clueless," in large part because the parents begin conversations assuming they know what's going on.

"Many times parents will come in and think the cause of school failure is he's not paying attention, he's goofing off," Remo says. "Many times a kid is depressed about a girl or something someone said on Facebook. There's a lot of mindreading that goes on and it's dangerous."

Dr. Katie Liebenberg, a psychologist with offices in Norwalk and Greenwich who specializes in adolescents and parenting, agrees. "I think the biggest problems are that we often have our own agenda," she says. "You're desperately trying to caution them or teach them a lesson, but often the most important part of communication is listening. Teenagers so often don't feel validated, they don't feel listened to."

LISTEN UP!

If you want your teens to talk to you, therapists say, you need to start by listening to what they're saying. "We have two ears and one mouth for a reason," Greenberg says. "Once parents start offering advice and interrupt, kids will shut down. They feel like their parents interrogate them. They feel like their parents judge them. They feel like their parents get too emotional when they tell them things and that their parents can't listen without telling them what to do."

To get the conversation started, try asking specific rather than general questions. You may be dying to know how your teen's date went, but if you want to get an answer beyond "fine," start by asking how the movie was. "Once you get them talking, they keep talking," Greenberg says.

Teens may tell you less than they did when they were younger, but if you've established the habit of always chatting over dinner, on the ride to or from school, or as you do the dishes, that's still likely to be when the lines of communication are most open.

"It's about timing with a teenager," Liebenberg says. "It's about reading the body language, recognizing when maybe they're able to communicate and when they're not. But if you're in the car, or watching a movie, or doing something you enjoy together, those are the perfect times."

When it comes to touchy subjects, such as sex or drug use, teens may be disinclined to discuss their own behavior. Conversations about what other people are doing, however, can prove to be quite enlightening. Comments about what the cast of Jersey Shore is up to or observations about what friends posted on Facebook offer wonderful opportunities to find out where your teen stands on issues that concern you.

If you try to plumb the depths of a particular topic, however, you run the risk of turning a casual conversation into an interrogation. With teens especially, Remo says, sometimes less is more. "Kids really like brief connections," he adds.

The key, therapists say, is to keep those lines of communication open. "Find ways to stay plugged in," Remo advises. "Kids are very much into technology and social media. If you hate the world of texting, you better change your mind, because that's what kids love."

No matter how you choose to communicate, the important thing is that you keep the conversation going. "In an ideal world, you start communicating with (your children) as soon as they can talk," Greenberg says. "But it's never too late, in any relationship, to create a good quality dialogue." HL

How to Speak Teen

In their book, "Teenage as a Second Language: A Parent's Guide to Becoming Bilingual," psychologists Dr. Jennifer A. Powell-Lunder and Dr. Barbara R. Greenberg offer definitions for typical teen phrases. Here's what teens are really saying, along with a few suggestions on how to respond.

"Whatever"

An expression that implies that a teen may give in, but is not really interested in what is being said. An attempt to be dismissive in as few words as possible.

BEST RESPONSE: Don't respond. You may want your teen to be more enthusiastic but pushing harder will only lead to an unnecessary argument.

"And, yeah..."

A phrase often used just as a teen is getting to the main point of a story. This phrase serves to deflate or minimize the importance of the main point of the story, especially when a teen is unsure of how the story will be received.

BEST RESPONSE: This is your chance to express your interest in a neutral way. "I'm interested in the rest of the story if you feel like telling me now or maybe later."

"Fine"

I will reluctantly consent, but not with pleasure. An intentionally vague description used when a teenager has no interest in providing further detail.

BEST RESPONSE: No response needed. Your teen has clearly heard what you had to say.

"I hate you"

An expression used to convey anger at the moment. An expression used for shock value in an effort to secure "alone time." A last ditch effort to get you to give in.

BEST RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset, but that isn't going to change my answer."

"Thanks" or "Thanks a lot!"

When said sarcastically, this is a simple expression of anger and/or disappointment.

BEST RESPONSE: Avoid responding back with sarcasm. Try: "Sorry, when you're ready to talk to me, maybe we can come up with something else to do."

Talking Points

Here are some tips from some local experts to get the conversation started.

• Make time to talk.

If you've always talked around the dinner table, try to preserve that ritual. Many parents find their teens are most talkative in the car. Kids are more likely to open up then because you're not making eye contact, so they worry less about how you're reacting to what they're saying. "Pick and choose wisely the times when your teen is most likely to talk," says Southbury family therapist Bryon Remo.

• Avoid broad questions.

If you ask, "How was your day?" all you're ever going to hear is "fine." Instead, start off with a more specific question: "Did you get soaked at practice when that rain started?" "Was the science test as bad as you thought it would be?" The most innocuous questions can be great conversation openers.

• Listen more, talk less.

The biggest complaint therapists hear from teens is that their parents don't listen to them. "Sometimes they just want to vent," says Dr. Katie Liebenberg, a psychologist who specializes in adolescents and parenting.

• Don't make assumptions.

If your teen seems upset, don't presume you know why. Starting a conversation by saying "I know you're upset because you flunked that test," is going to make your teen think you're clueless, particularly if the problem is something a friend posted on Facebook.

• Keep your cool.

If your teen tells you something troubling, try to control your reaction. "Listen to them in a calm way, even if you have to fake it," says Dr. Barbara Greenberg, a Weston-based psychologist and coauthor of Teenage as a Second Language: A Parent's Guide to Becoming Bilingual. "You want to get the whole story." Teenagers aren't going to tell you anything if you're freaking out.

• Take 10.

If you yell and swear at your kids, they're going to yell and swear back. If you feel yourself losing your cool, take a time out until you're calm enough to discuss the issue and encourage your teen to do the same. "How you argue trumps everything you say," Remo says. "You've got to take a step back and regroup."

• It's all about "we."

Saying "you always" or "you never," assigns blame and won't help solve the problem. In some cases, simply swapping the personal pronoun "you" for "we" can change the whole tone of the conversation. "Learn how to play tug of war on the same side of the rope," Remo says, "You and your child against the problem."

• Be supportive.

If your teen is having a problem, try brainstorming and ask questions to encourage your teen to consider all the options. "Don't solve the problem, help them sort it out," Liebenberg says. "Your teenagers then feel empowered and they develop the skills they need to become successful adults."

• Steer the Conversation.

Communication may be a two-way street but you wouldn't expect your teenager to navigate the roads with the same ease that you do. You have to lead the way. "Parents often expect kids to do too much of the thinking, but parents have the responsibility of being more mindful than their kids," Remo says. "The person who's more insightful has to step up a little more, because they have the tools."

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