Helping your kids deal with the death of a loved one

Marie Jones was 7 when her grandmother died. Years later, she still remembers that horrid week: her mom and dad telling her that Grandma had "gone to sleep," and them helping her pack to spend a week with their friends. She remembers her parents crying and her confusion. First, if Grandma was just sleeping, why was everyone crying? And why did she have to leave her parents and go live with people Marie never really liked? But she never asked those questions.

A week later, her home was still in turmoil. Her once-smiling parents looked so sad, and Grandma was nowhere to be found. And each time Marie asked, "Where's Grandma?" she got the same answer: "She's sleeping."

Marie's parents are still alive, which is why she asked us to use a fictitious name. "My parents are wonderful people, who thought they were doing the right thing," she says. "I was taught to hold my emotions inside, and never let the world know what I am thinking. They thought that not talking about my Grandma was the best way for me to heal. They never once asked me if I missed her. And we never, ever have talked about that week."

"Everyone responds to changes in their world, even babies," says Thomas Miller, director of professional services for Family Services of Darien and New Canaan, and director of the Den for Grieving Kids and the Center for Hope. "They understand that something is going on, even if they don't understand what it is. It's always best to explain the death to a child in a way that is going to be concrete and makes sense."

Stage 1: Shock and Numbness

"Use real language," Miller advises. "He died. Simple and concrete. Do not say he passed away or he's not with us anymore. These are all well-meaning phrases, but they can be confusing to the child."

Christine Lawlor, a therapist at the Life Solution Center of Darien, says parents should be patient and really listen to their children during this stage. "And give the child space to think through the loss. Above all, make yourself available for the child during this time."

Miller strongly favors telling the child the reason for the death, which puts it into perspective. For example, if the person died in a car accident, explain to the child that accidents can happen, but dying in a car accident is not the norm. If it's a serious illness, explain what the illness is in words the child can easily understand. Even in the case of suicide, it's best to tell children, since eventually they will find out the person committed suicide and that you lied to them.

Both Miller and Lawlor say the choice to have the child attend the funeral is up to the parents, as well as the culture, customs and norms in the family. Parents should know their children and discuss with them what they want to do. Lawlor thinks children younger than eight should not be exposed to open caskets, but Miller thinks it can be very appropriate, helping to reinforce the concrete aspect of death.

"And be prepared for children to ask the same questions over and over again," Miller says. "It's very repetitious, but parents must take the time to answer the questions honestly."

Stage 2: Yearning and searching

During this stage, children can feel restless, angry, bewildered or express feelings of guilt. The feelings can be intense, with the child either acting out or completely withdrawing from social and family connections.

Lawlor advises parents to remain calm, allowing their children to express their feelings. Parents should also be aware that their children's feelings can change daily.

"It's incredibly important for parents to listen to their children," Millers says. "What they shouldn't do is to try to fix or solve the problem. They can help kids understand that this is a process. Parents should never think this is going to be easy, and that everyone grieves differently."

Miller tells parents that modeling is important, and that children can learn from them how to grieve. If they are falling apart, they need to get support, because it is scary for a child to see a parent in this state. "They ask themselves, `Who is my rock?' But I am also a big fan of parents crying in front of their kids, if they need to cry. It then gives the child permission to do the same."

And Miller cautions everyone to never tell a boy who has just lost his dad that he is the man of the house. "It's well-meaning, but that's a lot of pressure to give the child. Death is not the time to give advice."

Stage 3: Disorganization and disorientation

Lawlor says that during this stage children experience great sadness and depression, their feelings of guilt and anger continue, they may lose their appetite and have trouble sleeping, they can lack enthusiasm, withdraw, become aggressive or give up in school. Parents need to be sure their children are getting adequate nutrition and rest; to spend time together outdoors, such as a picnic or a long hike; and most importantly, continue to be available to their children.

"Nothing that parent can say can undo the death," Miller says. "Just listen, support your child, and sit and be there with the child."

Stage 4: Reorganization and resolution

The child begins to think more clearly now, and has more energy and motivation to move forward. Since grief can come and go over time, the cycles may come back, but eventually, the loss becomes easier to handle. As in every other stage, Lawlor says support and encouragement are key to moving ahead.

"The subject of death is never easy," Miller says. He suggests that with any death, the family should find ways to memorialize the deceased, as simple as keeping a keepsake of the person, writing a poem, keeping a journal or drawing a picture.

"Death comes in waves," he adds. "There are many different phases. And we're here to help them through these phases." hl

Watch for warning signs

If your child is experiencing any of the following signs following the death of a loved one, it's best to seek professional help from a grief specialist:

• an extended period of depression in which the child loses interest in daily activities and events

• inability to sleep, loss of appetite, prolonged fear of being alone

• acting much younger for an extended period

• excessively imitating the dead person

• repeated statements of wanting to join the dead person

• withdrawal from friends

• sharp drop in school performance or refusal to attend school

-- The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry

Death of a peer

"The first thing a child thinks: This could happen to me," Lawlor says. She advises parents to discuss how the death occurred and to reassure their children that this is not the norm, that most children live to become adults. She suggests that children younger than 12 be kept from this funeral. "The adults are so overwrought with emotions," she says. "The services can be traumatic for young children."